Would We Transform Work with 20 Positive Interactions for Every Negative One?

Research shows that to nurture a loving relationship between couples, they need twenty positive interactions for everyone negative one (Gottman). For example, if I complain to my husband that he didn’t wash the dishes after I made dinner and he perceives that as criticism, I will need to show appreciation for him in twenty different ways to balance out that one complaint. Dr. John Gottman calls this concept the “Emotional Bank Account”

I wonder - is it the same in our work? If someone working in customer service had twenty positive interactions with customers, would that balance out the one negative experience in which they are berated by an upset customer? If I give critical feedback to a member of my team, would it take twenty positive interactions for them to feel safe again, twenty words of praise or feelings of accomplishment to balance out the one word of criticism?

A business leader once told me that he kept twenty coins in his left pocket to start out the day. Every time he told an employee thank you or gave a word of praise he transferred one of the coins to his right pocket. His goal was to end each day with an empty left pocket.

I had lunch with a friend the other day and we were talking about the current political climate. She said, You know, I don’t really need people to agree with my opinions or vote the same way I do. I just want people who disagree with me to be kind. I want there to be a dialogue about my points of view. I don’t want to be shamed. I want people to recognize that we all have the image of God inside of us. What a powerful statement.

Kindness. Appreciation. Honesty with love. Recognizing that we are all humans who make mistakes. Being grateful for a team member’s contribution even while you’re encouraging them to improve. Telling your spouse thank you. Allowing the cashier time to breathe by demonstrating calm as you wait in line.

How can you give twenty positive interactions for every negative word you put out in the world?

References:

Gottman, John. (2007). “The Magic Relationship Ratio.” YouTube. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-positive-perspective-more-on-the-51-ratio/